The Bachelorette 2016: What you Need to Know (+ Downloadable BRACKET!)

If you’re a newbie to these rosy parts, I’ll have you know – the only thing standing in the way between my domain name being “cominguproses.com” is The Bachelor franchise. A previous contestant thought she was being really clever with that one – I’m only slightly bitter. 😉

Chris Harrison has already dubbed it the “MOST dramatic season ever.” If that tops Kaitlyn’s pre-fantasy-suite sex-capades, than holy smokes we’re in for a season. Grab yo’ wine, grab yo’ girlfriends, and buckle up for The Bachelorette 2016.

As a disclaimer, I have not seen or read ANY spoilers. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m not even  a reality TV junkie – The Bachelor franchise is my one exception. So with that one exception comes a whole lotta dedication.

  • The booze is flowing
  • Someone will get naked
  • Someone will hit the pool prematurely
  • Someone will erroneously assume that there is chemistry when there is definitely none. And he’ll go in for a kiss or awkward touching and be rejected.
  • Someone is going to be an asshole. Typical.
  • Someone is going to be really stinkin’ sweet and capture the hearts of America. Typical.
  • Chris Harrison is going to keep commenting on the “most dramatic season ever.” Typical

Without further adieu, the dudes of this season’s Bachelorette:

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to Know before the Premiere - Coming Up Roses

Some highlights…

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Alex

Props for service, but pushups to impress? Old school. But he DOES say his tattoos are all family or work-related, so at least a “Mom” heart or “HOOAH” Marine insignia are decent, amiright?

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Brandon

Loses ten points for considering “hipster” to be an occupation, but gains ‘em back for saying his mom is the person he loves most in the world because “she is the kindest, most open and loving person I know.”

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Chad

The kid is a weeeeee bit self-absorbed. In his ABC bio, for “who do you admire most in the world and why,” “if you could be someone else for one day, who would it be and why,” and “if you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why” his answers were – wait for it – “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.” Like no. Not alright.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Christian

I’m so torn on this one. He says his mom is his best friend, but then he also says he gave strip shows and lap dances all through college. Did momma tell you to do that? …

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Coley

My money is on this guy. Not only is he a real estate consultant to her real estate developer status, but he just seems super down to earth and cool. His own best qualities are honesty, loyalty, and ambition, according to him, he most loves when his date keeps her phone in her purse, he considers himself to be a romantic because “the fire will never stay lit forever, so you’ll need sparks at opportune times,” and he wants to visit the 7 Wonders of the World and go on an African Safari (worldly!).

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Derek

Has a serious fear of fluffy kittens. Obviously his fatal flaw. You sir, with your baby blues, must not be the winner.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Daniel

A Male Model who says he doesn’t have any tattoos “for the same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.” He also says he’s “very comfortable” wearing swimwear in public, because “why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?” Like, no. Stop comparing yourself to a Lamborghini. It’s not cute. You’re just gross. (Rumor has it that Daniel gets an early boot for drunken conduct – no surprise here, ladies).  Also rumored to be stripping down upon meeting JoJo. Keep your clothes on and get a chlamydia test, good sir.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Evan

An erectile dysfunction specialist who considers “girls with chipped nail polish” and “girls with serious food allergies” to be “deal breakers in relationships. Excuse me that I chipped a nail while being a boss…and you’re over here dealing with dicks. Literally. I can’t.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

James F.

Loves Les Mis. Ten Points. Does “carb cycling” as a diet. Loses twenty thousand points, unless that means he bikes with a baguette in hand. Does consider The Bible to be a fave book, though, so gains ten points back.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Jordan

A former NFL quarterback. Upon being asked “what’s the wildest thing you’ve done in the bedroom?” he responsed: “Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder. Already loving the attitude on this one: betting he goes LONG for this catch.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Vinny

Likes to cook Italian food. Is also a barber and has some connection to the Bronx. No surprises here, people.

The Bachelorette 2016: What you need to know - Coming Up Roses

Wells

Looks adorable. Like, really promisingly adorable. But he won’t get a cat for love and doesn’t love pizza, so the love future isn’t looking bright for this one until he gets a soul back.

Let the Bachelorette 2016 commence! Who are your betting on this season?

AND NOW, I whipped up a lil’ BRACKET for you + your gal pals to play along with the season. Simply click on this link, download the document, print it out and you’re good to go!

It’ll look like this:

bachelorette bracket

See ya with a glass of Red, tonight at 9…I’ll be live tweeting, so let me know your thoughts as the night goes on!

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