After long (and lovely) chats over vanilla apricot tea and sparkly manicures with my dear friend Taylor, and the usual talks with my ever-wonderful momma, I’ve come to the following conclusion. Expectations: They Suck.
And I’m pretty sure they’re my fatal flaw.
If ever anyone has been bound by expectations, regardless of how ridiculous, outrageous, or downright impossible they may seem, it’s me. Bound by a chain. Guilty as charged.
Expectations suck because they set us up for disappointment (literally, as noted in Google’s “Can you use it in a sentence?” example). They’re a supersized dish of unnecessary worry, served with a side of second-guessing and self-doubt.
Worst of all, sky-high expectations make us question and jeopardize the best things in our lives – like our own sanity and our most sacred relationships – for nogoodreasonwhatsoever.
In no particular order, here’s how expectations suck (and how to beat their wrath).
In Friendships:
Exhibit A: Expectations in Friendships. (Give a shout if you feel these, too, so I’m not all alone here).
I expect friends to reach out to me first. None of this “I don’t text anyone unless it’s in response” nonsense. Only Beyoncé has that privilege.
I expect friends to reach out to me in a timely manner. As in, at least a once-a-month check-in to ensure that my heart is still beating. Better yet, a twice-a-month to see if I’m alive AND if anything is new and exciting. Third time’s a charm if you request to rendezvous face-to-face.
I expect reciprocity in friendships. I give some, you give some. Like Hammurabi’s code (eye for an eye, anyone?), but non-gruesome and done with the cupcakes and sparkles and rainbows of friend love.
Friendships expectations suck because…it’s never just a “Gee, that wasn’t quite what I had expected” sortof thing. It’s a “Oh my gosh, people don’t like me” sortof thing. A “People don’t care if they hear from me or not” thing.
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Kick the expectations.
Realize and acknowledge that big kids in the not-quite-real-world of college are super busy.
By no means is that an excuse for any “friend” to drop off the grid; we’re all tech-ed up most of the time, anyway, so a quick text is doable and worth it. Even just a “Thinking of ya, have a great day!” message can really brighten up a mood.
If you want to talk to someone, call them up.
Maybe, friends are waiting for you to show up on caller ID. And if two people are waiting on each other, there’s gonna be a lottttttt of waiting. Just do it.
Be a stellar friend to whoever you want, and do nice things from the kindness of your heart “just because.”
Don’t expect anything in return.
Expecting friends to reach out and show some love is okay; expecting constant communication or showerings of little gifts is not okay.
IN RELATIONSHIPS:
Exhibit B: Expectations in relationships (A HUGE, HUGE NO-NO).
I expect Boyfriend to be 100% informed of my female mental complex. If it’s a hard day, a massage is in order. If I’m sad, pass the Ben & Jerry’s. If I’m happy, pass the Ben & Jerry’s. (HA).
I expect Boyfriend to know exactly what’s bothering me from the moment a trigger sets me off, and he should know the cure to my melancholy, too.
I expect Boyfriend to read minds. What, yours can’t?
Relationship expectations suck because…you can end up failing to see the everyday good before you, making your S.O. feel unappreciated or jeopardizing your whole shebang altogether.
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Kick the expectations.
Always communicate your basic expectations/needs.
As far as I know, there aren’t too many telepathic folks out there. Just kick the mind tricks and speak your mind before feelings get hurt and unnecessary resentment sets in.
Keep communicating. That’s pretty much the rule.
Focus on appreciating the wonderfulness facing your relationship on a day-to-day basis.
Live every day as if it’s a new adventure, waiting to be had. (Because it actually is!)
Go into your day together expecting to discover something new. Don’t set specific guidelines for your day’s occurrences – be open to change and growth and let newness come as it may.
Expecting my S.O. to be faithful and to care about my feelings is okay; expecting him to have a crystal ball that reveals what I need even before I know it myself is not okay.
WITHIN YOURSELF:
Exhibit C: Expectations put upon yourself.
I expect nothing less than my absolute best, all the time. I shouldn’t be regressing – I should always be this dynamic mover-and-shaker who never reaches for an extra cookie and always looks the part, whatever the day’s part may be.
I expect constant improvements. I know who I want to be – I should be there now. There’s nothing stopping me. Go, baby, go.
I expect perfection. My grades, social life, workout regimen, time management, 5-minute makeup routines – you name it, I need it down pat now.
Self-expectations suck because…we make them unrealistic, and they make us feel inferior for no good reason at all. They teach us that we’re not good enough – that we’re never good enough – and that there’s always a “better” something to reach.
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Kick the expectations.
Love yourself.
Remind yourself of all of the greatness in your life. Your special talents, fun memories, and ambitions. Your thoughts and your words and your values – it’s all loveable for some reason or another. Cut yourself some slack. No one can do you as good as you do.
Give yourself permission to be yourself – unabashedly.
Embrace your quirks. Get together with your people and celebrate your quirks together, in the quirkiest way possible. Give yourself the ok to be perfectly imperfect – aren’t we all?
Expecting to put time and effort into what I want in my life is okay; expecting everything to turn out Pinterest-perfect is not okay.
The idea: Focus on…
Go from expecting a no-less-than-perfect vacation in the tropics to anticipating a gloriously refreshing time with your travel buddies. Anticipate a great date night with your main squeeze, regardless of what you do instead of expecting something out of a Matthew McConaughey chick flick (although, face it, you love your person more than Matthew anyways).
Anticipation means we’re hopeful. Expectation means we’re entitled, and that can lead to disappointment. Anticipation allows us to relax more and enjoy what comes our way, feeling thankful and happy and filled with in-the-moment bliss.
Obviously, having some sort of standard in life is more than A-OK. But we need to steer clear of the crazy ones (because they tend to make us a little crazy, too). Having standards – even high standards – is a good thing, so long as we know how to keep everything in perspective. We don’t have to break the rules, but we have to learn when it’s okay – even necessary – to bend them a bit. It may be cliché to say there is more than one way to do most things, but it’s true. And opening up to let a little of this approach into our lives can open us up to more joy and satisfaction, too.
I’ll leave ya with a quote from good ol’ Einstein:
“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle, or you can live as if everything is a miracle.”
May your Hump Day be full of little, unexpected miracles.
lovelovelove,
E
