Everything has its season. In nature, in sports – nothing lasts forever. Sometimes, something dying means it’s making room for something to live. And sometimes, that dying thing it what fertilizes what’s coming next.
This has been a particularly challenging season for me.
And I’ve been writing and re-writing and coming back to this draft what feels like a hundred times before actually sitting down with intention to publish. I’ve known I was coming to a turning point when I felt my inherent motivation to write waning. I felt myself approaching CUR like a chore, knowing how generally disconnected I felt to you.
And that sucks.
Writing has always been my outlet – my safe space and haven to release, not withhold. But there’s also so much that isn’t necessarily shared on the internet on the reg, because quite frankly, it’s just super personal or not of value to others to have out there publicly.
While I used to feel like so much of CUR’s core was in sharing personal things and encouraging words in the hopes of helping you, lately, I’ve felt like a well run dry. An empty cup. And I needed to start really intentionally filling my own cup before I could hope to add anything to yours again.
So, here I am.
I’ve found myself in a waiting season – a season of planting and pruning, but no fruit…at least not yet. Everything from my family to my career has a question mark right now, and it’s been uncomfortable AF to say the least. I catch myself annoyingly quoting my own dang self: “Get comfortable being uncomfortable!” But oftentimes, choosing your discomfort can feel a bit better than being thrust into an uncontrollable uncomfortable. Does that make sense? Actively opting into something – saying yes to something you previously feared, raising your hand for a new challenge, etc – can be a bit more warmly welcomed than finding yourself in a generally uncomfortable season of life not by choice.
In this season, I’m putting in much more than is coming out. And I’m okay with that, because quite frankly, that’s life. That’s how seasons work – the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit.
But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t trying.
From a familial perspective, we are literally trying to grow our family. It took a LOT of healing (and therapy) to even get to that point after Olivia’s traumatic birth, so this is all unchartered water ahead for the Gwynn fam. We don’t know if I’ll get pregnant again, or when, or how pregnancy will go – if everything will miraculously be smooth sailing, or if we’ll be hitting repeat on what went down 3.5+ years ago. I’m very intentionally choosing faith over fear and trusting God’s will in my life and our family’s – it’s just all part of our story and what’s making this season a more ~interesting~ one to say the least. But this is also a season where nearly all of my closest girlfriends are also growing their families, and it’s a stage of life where pregnancy announcements and gender reveals and bump pics are inescapable. They’re everywhere coming from seemingly everyone, and it can cause the weirdest intersection of feels when you’re so genuinely happy for your friends while also feeling sadness and longing in your own family (coupled with uncertainty and anxiety and ALL THE FEELINGS).
From a job perspective, I’ve got multiple paths ahead with no roadmap, and discerning next steps has been challenging to say the least. I’ll be pursuing some newer adventures while pulling back from some things I’ve love(loveloved) that have run their course. And so much of that happens behind-the-scenes; it can feel like a gamble or guessing game of what’s best next, with more unknowns and question marks – but I continuously hope + pray that I can create work that is meaningful and helpful and valuable to you in elevating your everyday life and becoming your own best self, too.
Creating content for a living can be weird. Sometimes, you feel like you’re talking into a black hole. Sometimes, you’re overwhelmed with questions or comments or strangers’ two cents. Sometimes, people just don’t get it. In the last month, I’ve been offered:
- Wallpaper
- Hemp elixir
- Bread
- $500 worth of posters
- $300 cash for three months worth of work
- A case of telemedical antiobiotics
- A bottle of lotion…and $50 IF my video gets 100,000 views
…all as “payment” for actual work for companies. With deadlines and deliverables AND USAGE RIGHTS for work – which, for anyone not “in the biz” – is at minimum a 4-figure ask regardless of a creator’s following size.
While none of this is new and I never take the “perks” of the jobs for granted, it absolutely does get exhausting having to constantly re-explain your worth to people trying to take advantage of your time and/or hard work when you just want to say “yeah, no” or “Do YOU work for free? Or for bread? Or for hemp elixir? No? You expect a paycheck to show up and do your job? OH HOW NOVEL.” I’m a pro at blessing and blocking or just hitting delete, but sometimes the noise gets loud. It’s *imperative* to have a strong support system that reminds you of your value and helps you get back in the right headspace if/when folks come at you from any angle.
This season feels about as all over the place as this post at this point – but hopefully/maybe something resonates for you, too, or at least gives some insight into my brain as of late. 😉 Our lives are always marked by seasons, and they all somehow blend together beautifully in the end. The hard ones forge our strength, even when we feel weakest. I’m learning to trust their timing, because even the most beautiful of flowers need pruning and refining to stand their tallest and strongest. And nothing blooms forever. Seasons are cyclical for a reason, and while some things feel more guaranteed or predictable in each, other elements take more tending to bear fruit.
In this season of mine, I’m uprooting, planting, and tending.
Getting out the weeds, getting in the seeds, and watering what’s planted in faith.
While sometimes ya just need a good vent sesh, I firmly believe that complaining for the sake of complaining is one of the quickest ways to suck any semblance of joy from your own life, and that of those fielding your complaints. 😉 Really, it’s important to vent with intention – to let it out of your system, but then ask: what now? What are you going to do about? What forward step can you take?
I’m intentionally leaning into less – pruning the branches in my life so none are extended too far or too thin.
I’m focusing on a few key areas for bigger impact. I’m saying “no” thoughtfully and “yes” carefully, and leaning into less instead of jumping into more. And I’m making the most of every moment I can along the journey, since there are no guarantees.
If you, too, have found yourself in a season that isn’t your favorite – whether it be spiritually dry or emotionally challenging or just otherwise uncomfortable – I just want to say that I see you. Here for you, if only through the good ol’ world wide web.
Sending you a virtual hug, wishing it was in real life so I could buy you a coffee and sit with you in your feels for a hot sec.
Know that you’re not alone – and know that this season, too, shall pass.
