Happy MONDAY, friends. How was your weekend? We’ve been through a bit of a ringer lately, but I reaaaaally feel like being able to look at the positive/funny/rosier side o’ things has been the key (right behind our main squeeze Jesus) to getting to this week and feeling *good*.
The below aren’t necessarily rosy…but they’re real. And because we keep it real around these rosy parts (maybe too real? Ha!), I couldn’t NOT give ya the truth of the matter. The very pregnant matter.
Even though I only made it to ~7 months pregnant before giving birth, I had so many moments of calling my own mom (or girlfriends) to ask, “Is this normal?!?!” Turns out…YUP. Yup, it was. All of it. It’s just that no one told me *before* getting pregnant what I could/should really expect. So without further adieu…
Meme via thefunnybeaver.com
- Being pregnant is a lot like being elderly. You get priority seating on the bus, other people put your shoes on for you, and you can’t control your pee.
- Speaking of pee, who run the world? Your bladder. Your bladder is not your own, folks. It’s being controlled by a little human that doesn’t even have eyebrows (yet).
- Wanna know what it’s like in third trimester? Tie a soccer ball to your abs.
- How to get out of bed? Just roll around. Eventually momentum (or gravity) will help out.
- How to shave? Just don’t.
- If you have to blow your nose, pee first or you’ll realize how great of a multitasker you really are.
- You’ll relate now more than ever to Regina George. “These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.” Sign a sistah up for maternity leggings (these were/are my fave), and buy 7 pairs.
- Random strangers in Walmart will try to predict how far along you are. Just play along while you grab your Reese’s Puffs and lettuce (because #balance) and be on your baby mama way.
- Everyone and their mom thinks they have the next best piece of advice to parent your child. And it normally starts with, “OH, just you wait…”
- One day you’re craving Half Baked Ben & Jerry’s, the next you’re craving prosciutto-stuffed hot peppers. Oh, did I say day? I meant minute.
- Brushing your teeth will start leaving you looking like a UFC fighter. Bloody gums are apparently part of making a baby.
- …Ditto to bloody noses.
- Hormonal migraines may hit ya like a brick to the head. Stock up on Powerade + extra strength Tylenol now.
- You don’t actually glow. You just learn how to use spot concealer like a champ. Add highlight to really fool ’em all. 😉
- Your belly button becomes reminiscent of a third nipple.
- Pregnancy eczema is the weirdest friggin’ phenomenon. One day, you’re fine. The next, you’re covered in little fluid-filled bumps that you swear came from Satan. And you’re in Walgreens, grabbing one of every bottle labeled “itch relief.” And then you’re at home, wearing rubber gloves, praying you don’t scratch your own skin from your body. And then it goes away. Like, what?
- Pregnancy brain is real. But when you have the baby, you still have pregnancy brain.
- Nesting is oh so real. It might mean you arrange (then re-arrange) every bookshelf in sight. Maybe you start folding his underwear for him, – heck, maybe you take up canning, or decide it’s a good idea to scrub the toilet on your lunchbreak. Or maybe you build an actual nest out of the 12 blankets you’ll buy because you’re #TiredAF.
- You forget what it’s like to not have back pain.
- You’re going to wonder if you should hire somebody to wipe your butt.
- Suddenly everything is an Olympic event and a battle to beat out-of-breath-ness. Loofah-ed your whole body in the shower? You win. Carried the gallon of milk in from the car? Ding ding ding! And going up steps?! Sweet Jesus, you get the gold medal. And then someone calls you and you sound like Darth Vadar and they ask if you’re “working out” and you’re like “yes, I’m making a human.”
- Sometimes you’ll wake up at 4 am like HELLO IT IS TIME TO DO THE DAY.
- You have arrived at Constipation Station. There’s no going back.
- You’ll need designated helpers for things like putting on socks, and you’ll stop wearing any shoe that a.) has laces and/or b.) has a heel.
- No matter how many random passersby in the grocery store try to bestow the most worldly wisdom upon you for what the next 18+ years of your life will entail…absolutely nothing will prepare you for the overwhelming onslaught of emotions that will envelop your entire being the first time you hear your baby cry. Brace yo’self, girlfriend…one helluvah wild ride ahead. 😉
What did no one tell you before getting pregnant?
Any mamas out there feel me on the 25 things above? Anything you’d add to the list? I WANNA KNOW.
Peace + blessings, folks. The day is pregnant with possibilities…make it count. 😉